omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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