I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
