I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
