She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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