The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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