My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
