I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
