Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
