what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize