I'm eating all of the evidence.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
