I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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