sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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