Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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