She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize