I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
