If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
