Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
