A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
