oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
