Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
