The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
