awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
