New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
