Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Is Oprah even human
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
