I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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