Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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