did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sober January is a disaster.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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