I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I love having hate sex.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
