The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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