Already got asked if we're dating
I seem to have left my pride at pride
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
