Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I love you. Go after that dick
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
