I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
