That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
