On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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