All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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