Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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