if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize