i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
