Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
