I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
