Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
