I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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