Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize