some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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