I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
