He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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