My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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