I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
false alarm, still single
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
