im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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