His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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