ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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