I just threw up on my dentist
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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